


Newcomers

by shinysparks



Category: Sleepy Hollow (TV), Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Crane's bitchiness as a superpower, Crossover, F/M, Ichabod in skinny jeans, M/M, Plot What Plot, What Was I Thinking?, did i mention there was no plot?, for lobbing all those lovely plot bunnies at me, this is all thymelady's fault, vague mention of spiders so you know TRIGGER WARNING, you're welcome on that last one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2015-12-05
Packaged: 2018-05-04 13:18:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5335523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysparks/pseuds/shinysparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ichabod and Abbie discover an Old Oak Door in the tunnels under Sleepy Hollow that leads to a friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep...</p><p>...and then they get kinda stuck there. And hilarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Thymelady](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thymelady/gifts).



> Dearest Thymelady!
> 
> This is all your fault, you and your lovely, lovely plot bunnies and the posting Night Vale loveliness to my wall and mentioning Sleepy Hollow in the same sentence. To my muse, that is considered a direct challenge, and as you know I cannot be held responsible for what happens after said muse thwacks me upside the head with the ol' "Stick of Inspiration." ;)
> 
> May this plotless spectacle of silliness keep you smiling on the days when the sun is cold, the moon is dark and and flakes of snow fall from the sky while we all stand there yelling "when is it going to be Spring again?"
> 
> KRAAAAM! <3  
> \- J

(Unless otherwise stated, all written parts are spoken aloud by Cecil Palmer on air. Bonus points if you can read this in Cecil's voice. ;) )

Two newcomers wandered into town today - one very tall, and the other very short. The one who was very tall was dressed in traditional 18th century colonial men's clothing, which immediately pegged them as being new in town. After all, today is Tuesday, and dressing in 18th century colonial clothing on a Tuesday was outlawed at the last City Council meeting. The newcomer was quickly taken into custody by the Sheriff's Secret Police for their terrible crime; which caused the one who was very short to pull out a firearm and fire it into the sky as a warning, while screaming at the Sheriff's Secret Police to let the one who is very tall go free; however, as threatening the Sheriff's Secret Police with a firearm is not, in fact, a crime here in Night Vale, the one who was very short was quickly ignored.

And now, the weather...

[[It wouldn't be right if there wasn't music during the weather, so click here, okay?]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)


	2. Chapter 2

And now some more news on our two newcomers. Today, Mayor Dana Cardinal interceded on behalf of the pair, a Mr. Ichabod Crane, who is very tall; and a Lt. Abbie Mills, who is very short; after determining that neither one of them possessed any sort of psychic ability and could not, in any way, have known that 18th century clothing was forbidden in Night Vale on Tuesdays. Our esteemed Mayor quickly ordered Mr. Crane released and reimbursed Lt. Mills for all of the ammunition she was forced to waste during the incident. However, one caveat was quickly set forth by the City Council (all speaking in unison, as is their way,) after Mayor Cardinal's decision: Mr. Crane would have to immediately surrender his clothing, so that it might be burnt in offering to the old gods which Mr. Crane no doubt offended.

While his partner, Lt. Mills, reveled in the decision and planned to immediately take him shopping; Mr. Crane was not amused. Three Sheriff's Secret Police officers were then injured by his scathing, tongue-lashing and severe stink-eye.

Nevertheless, Mr. Crane did relinquish his clothing at the prodding of Lt. Mills, and was later seen exiting the Abandoned Mine Shaft carrying a New Citizen Welcome Packet and wearing nothing except the mandatory orange poncho given to all new residents.


	3. Chapter 3

Listeners: we've been getting reports that our two newest residents have been seen around town quite a bit these last few days. John Peters - you know, the farmer? - called in to say that he ran into the pair last night at the Moonlight All-Nite Diner while having a slice of invisible strawberry pie. He says that Ichabod, as he prefers to be called, apparently found some new clothes that are, at least, borderline acceptable here in Night Vale: dark jeans, dark boots and a bluish-gray, button-down shirt that I'm told matches his eyes perfectly. John said, though, that Ichabod seemed very displeased at the tightness of the jeans, saying that they were a sure sign of the Apocalypse; however, that Abbie, as she prefers to be called, quickly reminded him that the only other clothing the store carried were the usual Night Vale fare of furry pants, tunics, glow-in-the-dark body paint, and spiders. According to John, this caused Ichabod to quickly relent and brood furiously into his cup of coffee.

Later, John says that he witnessed the pair having a late supper of wheat and wheat-byproduct free donut holes, and that Ichabod - already irate over his new clothing - grew furious when he noticed the 200% tax on the baked goods. He is said to have screamed into his water glass, injuring the manager of the diner so severely with his unexpected rant, that immediate medical attention was required. Abbie, however, paid the check quickly and in the accustomed manner by placing it under the sugar and waiting for the sounds of swallowing; before they both exited the diner quickly.

More on this story later. Now, here's the Children's Fun Fact Science Corner...


	4. Chapter 4

Disturbing news, Listeners. One of the newcomers to our fair city, Ichabod Crane, was seen earlier today in old town Night Vale, where the Glow Cloud (all hail!) was out school shopping with its offspring. Ichabod, angered when the Glow Cloud nearly missed dropping a dead cow directly on him, screamed at the cloud, shaking his fist. Witnesses report him yelling _"I did not fight in a war so you could drop dead animals on me, you disgusting lubber-wort!"_ The Glow Cloud, shocked by such a verbal lashing, was seen zooming through the sky across Night Vale, causing faint sobbing noises to be heard all across the city.

The Sheriff's Secret Police were called to the scene to investigate, but quickly left upon arriving after Ichabod snarled at them furiously. I am told that two of the officers required first aid for minor injuries.

In related news, the Society For A Blood Space War has, at the request of several Night Vale citizens, started an investigation into Ichabod Crane's military service. One of the leaders of the group, who wishes not to be named, is reported as saying "we want to make sure our veterans are treated well and thanked for their service. We also want to make sure that any enemies of our side are swiftly assassinated, regardless of whether they have committed grievous crimes, or will commit grievous crimes in the future. Mr. Crane could be our savior. Or our worst enemy. Or will be our worst enemy. Either way, we might have to kill him."

Well, time will tell, in either case (even though time is meaningless and doesn't really exist, according to my dear Carlos.) Now, let's take a look at the Community Calendar...


	5. Chapter 5

Listeners have been calling in asking questions about our newest residents of Night Vale, Ms. Abbie Mills and Mr. Ichabod Crane. I have to say, listeners, that I don't know that much about them - then again, I don't know that much about anything. This morning, however, I received a note regarding the pair. This note was taped onto the front of my box of wheat and wheat by-product free cereal, right under a note that read _"buy more cereal, Cecil. But not this kind - it tastes too much like cardboard. Also, you need a new toothbrush. I may or may not have used it as a back-scratcher at some moment in the last month. I probably should've mentioned this earlier."_ As neither note was signed by Carlos in his most beautiful handwriting, I can only assume they were from the Faceless Old Woman.

On a related note, I stopped at the Ralph's on the way to the station today and bought three new toothbrushes, a proper back-scratcher and a bottle of mouthwash.

Anyway, the note read as follows:

_Hello Cecil,_

_Abbie and Ichabod... they are quite the pair. Despite believing wholeheartedly that neither of them belong here in Night Vale, it's quite obvious to anyone listening in that they do, in fact, belong here. I listen. I listen quite a lot as I skitter across the ceiling of the apartment they share - the apartment right next door to yours, Cecil._

_Abbie, whom I might add undresses far too swiftly for anyone's enjoyment, sees demons and has prophetic dreams. Ichabod, who is still complaining about those wonderful skinny jeans he wears that leave little to the imagination, died long ago in a battle, only to be resurrected over two centuries later. He would be a time traveler if time traveling involved lying pathetically in a grave and sleeping for hundreds of years - and of course, if time was a thing that actually existed. They each entered through an Old Oak Door that was standing unaided in a tunnel in their hometown of Sleepy Hollow, only to find themselves here. It sounds completely unreal - fantastical, even - but then... most things are._

_There is a leak in your ceiling, Cecil. You should call someone about that._

_While Abbie tries to acclimate herself to the town, adjusting the best she can to the new surroundings; Ichabod paces, and he rants; ranting so furiously that the paint on the wall begins to peel. My ears were bleeding from it last night, Cecil. I fear nothing, normally; but even I felt myself quaking as I hung like a spider against the wall, ever watching. Then again, perhaps that was just you and your dear Carlos. You should probably move your bed to another wall, Cecil._

_Abbie seems immune to his power. She just sits there, staring up at him, amused. There's something else, there as well: love. Her heart belongs to him, and one look in his eyes and it's obvious that his heart belongs to her - at least, metaphorically. Despite the scar on his chest, I doubt either one has physically gifted their hearts to one another, as we all know is a requirement for marriage here in Night Vale._

_Of course, this sense of love mixed with the fact that they sadly refrain from alley-catting around like you and Carlos every night is a problem. And also, a pity. The tension is so thick in here you can practically cut it with a knife, and they would be better served and far happier if they would just throw each other down and rip their clothes from each other's bodies._

_Preferably on the kitchen table. Slowly._

_Yours, ever watching,_

_..._

_P.S.: You should invest in a pair of skinny jeans, Cecil. Your boyfriend quite likes them. Or at least, I can only assume he likes them given the sheer amount of times his eyes wander and stare hungrily at the garment when Ichabod is around._

_P.P.S.: I counted. Fifty-seven times._

_P.P.P.S.: Yes, Abbie. Slower. Much, much slower. That's it._

An update now from the Society For A Blood Space War. They have been unable to find any sort of record detailing the military service of Ichabod Crane, nor any information on the "war" he describes. "The American Revolution?" They all said, almost in unison as they shrugged and threw up their hands, each looking more confused than the last. "There's no such thing!" They then said, before scurrying back to their records to search again.

They would like me to assure everyone that it cannot be ruled out that Ichabod might be a secret agent sent back to the past to confuse everyone and lull them into a false sense of security; thus, they may have to kill him.

Now, a word from our sponsors!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points if you read the letter in the Faceless Old Woman's voice. ;)


	6. Chapter 6

Listeners! Breaking news: earlier today, at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, an attempt was made on the life of Ichabod Crane. Teddy Williams, owner and operator, told us that two assassins from the Society For A Blood Space war attacked Mr. Crane in the middle of his set, causing an immediate loss of the game to Old Woman Josie and one of the beings that is certainly not an angel, since angels clearly do not exist. Lt. Abbie Mills, returning from the restroom and witnessing the vicious attack, pulled her firearm and shot one of the assassin's in the leg, subduing the attacker immediately.

On a related note, the local chapter of the Night Vale NRA has immediately bestowed an honorary, lifetime membership upon Lt. Mills for clearly proving that yes, it is quite impossible to be killed by a gun. _"See! Guns don't kill people!"_ an NRA spokesperson was quoted as saying, while trying to shake the hand of Lt. Mills as she attempted to interrogate the wounded assassin.

Angered by the attempt on his life, Mr. Crane dragged one of the subdued assassins by his ear toward the Night Vale Public Library. Witnesses reported a cacophony of terrified, pained screams coming from the assassin - most of which came about after Crane was reported as saying _"you will learn your history and you will learn that I am not your enemy, even if it means having every librarian in the library aid us in our search!"_

I sent our newest intern, Intern Brom, down to the library to get a better idea of the situation. Sadly, however, he was quickly beheaded by a hungry librarian only moments after entering the library.

To the family of Intern Brom... He will be missed, blah-blah, you know the drill.

More on this story as it develops...


	7. Chapter 7

I'm getting reports, listeners, that Lt. Abbie Mills has followed Ichabod Crane and the other assassin down to the library and has entered the building despite many warnings to the contrary. I'm told by witnesses there that she ran into the building screaming "CRANE!" with her weapon drawn and pointed in front of her. As we all know that firearms are no match for the horror that are Librarians, one can only imagine the danger that she is currently in, and...

_*Cecil's cellphone suddenly rings*_

Hold on, listeners...

"Hello?"

"Hello, Cecil?"

"No. No. No. NO NO NO - I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHOW HERE, STEVE!"

"I know, but..."

"HANG UP THE PHONE STEVE CARLSBERG!!!"

"...But it's about Janice, Cecil!"

...

"Janice? Is she alright?"

"Oh, she's fine! She wanted me to invite you to dinner tomorrow night - you and her uncle Carlos. She's learning to cook and wants to make pizza for everyone."

"That sounds so nice."

"So you'll come?"

"Absolutely."

"I'll tell her. She'll be so excited!"

"Good. Now get off my phone, Steve."

"Okay - oh! I almost forgot! I also invited Ic--"

_*click*_

Sorry about that, listeners. Now, where was I? Oh, right... We are now getting new reports from witnesses outside of the Night Vale Public Library that three people have now exited the building. One appears to be carrying the other, and a third person is limping behind the first two. All are covered in a fetid, dark substance that I'm being told is Librarian blood.

_*phone rings*_

Wait, listeners - it seems I'm getting another call...

"Hello again, Cecil?"

"GET OFF THE PHONE STEVE CARLSBERG!!!"

"I'm down at the library, Cecil! I thought you might want to hear this..."

_*phone static*_

"HE SLEW A LIBRARIAN! I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES! HE STARED IT DOWN AND IT SHOOK, AND SMOKED, AND THEN EXPLODED! THE OTHER LIBRARIANS RAN AWAY IN FEAR! OH DARK GODS, IT WAS A NIGHTMARE BUT IT WAS BEAUTIFUL; AND IT WAS UNLIKE ANYTHING I HAVE EVER SEEN BEFORE AND WILL SEE AGAIN. ALL HAIL ICHABOD CRANE, GREAT SLAYER OF LIBRARIANS!"

"GET UP YOU SCURVY LOUSE! MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL AND FIND ME A MEDIC FOR THE LEFTENANT! MOVE! NOW!"

"I AM SO SORRY FOR TRYING TO KILL YOU, O GREAT ONE! I SHALL WORSHIP YOU ALWAYS!"

"GET A MEDIC YOU USELESS SOD! IF SHE DIES I WILL SKIN YOU ALI..."

_*phone static*_

"Pretty great, isn't it? When I saw it, I thought 'hey, I bet Cecil would like to hear this for his radio show!'"

"PUT THEM BACK ON STEVE!"

"I can't. It's over now. Well, save for some bleeding from the ears and eyes of everyone in the crowd, and bowing, and keening towards Ichabod. This is great, Cec..."

_*eerie static*_

"Hello? Steve? You're breaking up... hello? Hello?!"

_*click*_

Well, listeners, I suppose all I can do now is take you now... to the weather...


End file.
